Where has my safety gone
by silverbells
Summary: This is an AU of my AU Let me be your safety. But you don't need Let me be to understand. Rogue goes to mourn after Remy's death. Rated primarily for language and reference to child abuse. This is NOT a happy story. You've been warned.


AN: This is an AU to my AU of Let me be your safety if that makes any sense at all.

Introduction:  
Unlike most of my writing this is just a group of scenes that I need to write hopefully to get me past my writers block. This is working in the same universe as let me be your safety's first section. Anna is roughly 17 or 18 at this time. This takes place sometime after chapter 10. This is NOT a happy story. There is a character death and no romance what so ever.

Summary:  
Just for anyone who hasn't read Let me be and doesn't want to. Basics are Remy move's to the town Anna (Rogue/ Marie) lives in. They become friends as he realizes she is being abused by her adopted father. Remy spends a year protecting her as best he can before his father calls him back to New Orleans. He insists that they do something to protect her. Jean-Luc takes her to stay with family friends after forbidding Remy contact with her for fear it will jeopardize the alliance with Bella's family.

As always italics is internal thoughts though in this case they will be Anna's and bold is printed text.

* * *

She sits on the window seat looking out at the dark evening. The wind rustles the trees and causes her hair to flutter softly. Her hand trembles as she picks up the letter she received that afternoon. Its been hours and she still can't find the courage to open the thing. 

For the millionth time it seems she reads over the information. The letter is addressed to her but the real fear comes from the post mark listing it having come from New Orleans.

_Jean-Luc wouldn't let Remy write me. I know he wouldn't it would be too easy for someone to find me here if he did. And anyways this isn't Remy's handwriting. Dear Lord who is writing to me. The only way I'll find out is if I open it but I just can't. I'm scared I don't want to know if its bad. I just don't want to know._

Despite her thoughts she slowly slides her finger into the envelope and rips it open. She pulls the folded paper out of the envelope and puts it to her side. As she unfolds the letter a new clipping falls to her lap which she ignores as the greeting catches her eye.** Anna**, no one calls her that any more. With a sigh she seals herself to read the rest of this letter.

**Anna,**

**Child, Jean-Luc would has had his say about this but I think you need to know. This is Mattie and I wish I could be there with you right now to tell you this news but things being what they are that can't be allowed. Child before you do anything more you need to read the article I have included with this letter. Once you have done that come back and read the rest of this. **

This has done nothing to allay her fears, her hands continue to shake as she places the letter in her lap and unfolds the new clipping. It is a short article that she skims quickly catching only a few words.

Remy LeBeau.

Motorcycle accident.

Elevated blood alcohol.

Services will be held.

_No. This isn't happening. I fell asleep waiting to read the letter. This is a nightmare. This can't be happening. It CANNOT be happening. I just have to wake up._

She sits trying to control her breathing. After a few minutes she looks back at her lap and remembers that Mattie told her to come back and read the rest of her letter after she had seen the news article. Gently, she lifts the letter back hoping that there will be some other explanation for what she just read.

**Child, I know you will not want to believe this and I would do anything to make it not be true. But I can no more change reality than I can move the moon or the stars. You are not mistaken child, Remy is dead. He had been out with his brother and lost control of his motorcycle on the way home. He died instantly. There is no way I can make this easier for you. I can only tell you that he had not forgotten you. I had found this letter a few days before and had taken it since Jean-Luc had forbidden him to send it. I wanted to remove the temptation to send it from him. But now I know that you need to see it child. Jean-Luc was against this but I don't care. I will always love you and if you ever need me just find me. You will always have a safe place with me and mine.**

**Be strong child,**

**Mattie**

Tears have formed in her eyes but she forces them back. _There is nothing to cry about this isn't happening. _She lets Mattie's letter fall to the floor beside her not thinking in her haste to see Remy's words. The truth slowly sinking in on a level she is not even aware of at this time.

**Chere,**

**I know I'm not allowed to write to you but sometimes I can't help it. I just give in and write to you anyways. I hope that things are going well for you. I wish I could see you and be sure that you really are ok. There is so much we never got a chance to talk about. But I promise soon we will. The next time I see you there wont be either of our father's to avoid and we will be able to talk. I promise Chere you are my little sister and I love you no matter what you do.**

**My wedding with Bella is steadily approaching I'm trying to convince my father to let you come. I think he may agree. I mean its not as though it could jeopardize anything at that point. We'll just have to see what happens. I can't write anymore right now but I'm sure I'll see you soon and we can talk about it all.**

**I love you little sister,**

**Remy**

The letter falls from her trembling hands as she reads the last line. Tears begin to trace there way down her cheeks. She hugs her arms around her body and begins to rock gently as a sob comes to her lips. She sits letting the tears run down her cheeks softly until she falls into a restless sleep. Around her the room first chills and then brightens as dawn begins.

* * *

A gentle tapping on her door stirs her slightly but exhaustion keeps its claws deeply sunk into her. Alice, gently opens the door when gets no response. Its rare for Marie to not be up and ready by this time. The sight before her makes her pause before hurrying to the window seat. Marie is curled in a ball the pages of her letter strewn on the floor around her. Her head is buried in her knees as she leans against the window sill.

Aware that Marie will react badly to being touched Alice kneels next to the window seat. A crinkle of paper catches her attention. She lifts the news article up to look at it. She chokes back a sob as she reads through it remembering just how this child had come into her house. Softly she calls out to wake the girl "Marie, honey ya need to wake up now."

Marie startles and moves away from the noise before realizing where she is. Her eyes quickly scan from Alice's face eyes brimming with tears to the news article in her hand. Marie lets out a sigh and once again fights to control her emotions. "So it wasn't a dream." Alice slowly shakes her head before opening her arms and settling on the floor. Marie climbs down from the window seat and leans her head into Alice's shoulder feeling her arms encircle her.

After a few moments of sitting this way Marie gives a small sob and pulls away from Alice in order to look her in the face. "Ah want to go. Ah need to see that its really true. Please." The last word of this comes out as a small plea from a much younger child.

"Of course we'll go. We've missed the services but we'll go down to New Orleans. Ah just need to get a couple of things in order. Just pack what ya need."

Marie gives a small nod before climbing out of Alice's lap and begins going through her room mechanically. Giving one last look to the girl Alice quickly gets up and goes to make a few phone calls.

Marie slowly makes her way around the room grabbing a bag and all of the things she will need for the short trip. All the while her mind is whirling in seemingly endless circles.

_This isn't happening. It can't be happening. Its not his fault accidents happen all of the time. Its going to be okay. Sure it hurts but it will be ok. This isn't happening anyways. It just can't be happening. I wont be mad at him. It's not his fault. He'll watch over me somehow. I just have to believe that he is watching over me. He loves me. It will be ok it has to be ok. It just has to be._

* * *

The countryside flies by as John drives them down the highway. Marie sits in the back seat a notebook open on her lap. Soft country music is playing on the radio as Alice looks over a map in the passenger seat.

"Looks, like we'll beh there in a couple more hours. Why don't ya try and get some sleep Marie."

A noncommittal grunt is the only response she receives from the back seat of the car. In the back seat Marie tears her eyes away from the countryside and back to the paper in front of her. Her messy scrawl covers the page as she turns it to the next page to continue writing.

**Oh Remy I promised myself I wouldn't hate you. I can understand why you were out that night. Its not like you meant for anything to happen. I just wish things hadn't played out this way. There are so many things I wanted to tell you. There is so much that I meant to tell you and obviously you had a fair amount yourself. How can this be happening. How can you be gone. It isn't supposed to happen this way. None of this was supposed to happen. We were supposed to meet up again. I knew that you would have your life and I would have mine but I always dreamed we could be together again. You have always been my big brother from the day you stopped me and came in with me all that time ago.**

**This just isn't supposed to be happening this way. You were supposed to come to my high school graduation see how much I've made of myself. Remy I always imagined that you would be the one who would walk me down the aisle when I got married. God there are so many parts of my future that I always saw you as a participant. As an ACTIVE participant in my life. I know that we have been distant for the part couple of years not by choice but by necessity and yet I keep wishing I had done so many things differently. It just wasn't supposed to play out this way. **

**I had hoped to come to New Orleans for college. Spend more time with you. I've realized in the past months how much I miss the people I knew before. I know it was necessary for me to leave everything behind. That there was no way around it. But I can't help feeling guilty that I left everything behind. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. **

**Why Remy? Why did this have to happen. Why aren't you here. I e-mailed you. I know that you had your own life but I really thought you would respond. But I'll never know what happened now. It just wasn't supposed to happen this way. I miss you. **

**I feel so guilty for all that I have done wrong by you. I should have done so much else. I should have told you how much you meant to me. How big a difference you made in my life even before you took me away from my father. You were the first person I ever trusted Remy. The first person. How can I stay whole with such a big piece of my soul missing now.**

She looks up again fighting back the silent tears that are trailing down her face. Her hurried hand has filled the page and flipped it to start on the back. So many emotions are pouring through her mind as she tries to hide and be quiet. She wipes clean her face and takes a deep breathe before continuing to write.

Her thoughts circle as she fills pages with her ramblings insisting over and over that it isn't supposed to be this way. Finally, the city limits come into view and she folds the pages and places them in an envelope sealing it before addressing it simply to Remy.

* * *

The car pulls up to the LeBeau Mansion in New Orleans. Slowly they make their way up the walk a bag thrown over Marie's shoulder, John carrying a suitcase. At the door John sets down the bag and rings the bell. Sounds can be heard inside as someone comes to the door.

The door is thrown open and Mattie is standing in front of them a sad smile on her face. Before she has time to react Mattie has Marie wrapped up in her arms holding the girl close. Marie holds onto her with all of her strength as though the world will cease to exist if she lets go.

"Hush chil', He's in a better place now. It will be ok. Don't worry. Let's get yo' inside and up ta bed. Yo' look simply exhausted."

Marie gives a small sob and nods against Mattie's shoulder. Mattie lets go of her keeping a gentle hand on her shoulder as she directs the girl into the house. Alice and John follow behind having exchanged small sad nods of their own with Mattie as she held Marie.

"'enry, can yo' come in here?" Mattie calls out to the house as she leads them through a maze of hallways to the kitchen.

As if by magic Henry comes in only seconds after he is called. He looks around the room slowly his eyes focus on Marie as she stands where Mattie last directed her. Her eyes are wide staring at the floor as though it were the most interesting thing she had ever seen. He spares a glance at the couple who have taken seats at the kitchen table but his main focus is the girl.

Gently he embraces her, "Anna, how are yo'?" She tenses at the first instant he touches her but then slowly relaxes recognizing who is holding her. "Ah'm ok Henry. Considering. Ya?" He gives her a small squeeze before letting go. "'bout the same."

Mattie takes this chance to interrupt. "'enry why dun yo' take Anna upstairs and find her a place ta sleep." Henry gives a small nod before grabbing her bag and throwing it over his shoulder. "Let's find yo' a place ta sleep."

* * *

The next morning finds Anna sitting at the breakfast table with the LeBeau clan. Around her the family mutely goes through the motions of breakfast an obvious hole existing in the family. She is dressed simply unable to face wearing any bright colors her hair pulled back. The dark circles under her eyes persist and she is clearly going through the motions herself.

_It was wonderful of Henry to include me last night. It was wonderful spending time around his friends. So many people who are feeling this pain with me. Who miss Remy just as much. I can't believe Henry is holding up so well. I just don't know how I'm allowed to feel or at least show that I'm feeling. Everyone here understands why Henry hurts, why Bella hurts, but they don't know me. They don't understand why I'm hurting more then they are as his friends. I doubt even Henry knows how close we were. How much Remy meant to me. How much I hope I meant to him. I know he loved me. But I keep having these doubts that I mattered as much to him._

_Anna._

_Oh and being called Anna again that is just strange. I never thought I would go by that name again. I thought she was gone and I had taken her place. But now I'm here and everyone knows me as Anna the girl Remy nearly blew up the mansion for. How strange is that? I know he probably would have been just as outraged if it was anyone else. But its nice to think that maybe it was special because it was me._

_Anna._

With a start she looks around realizing that someone has been calling her name. "Oui?"

She looks up to see most of the table looking at her, "Did Ah miss somethin'?" A small laugh is heard though quickly hushed from one of the numerous cousins she had met the night before. Jean-Luc gives her a small smile and shakes his head. "Mattie, has only calle' yo' some half dozen times. Dat's all." Anna gives a small blush hearing this and looks at Mattie expectantly. Mattie gives her a smiles that seems to mirror Jean-Luc's. "Ah only wante' ta ask how' yo' slept, enfant."

"Ah was alright thank ya." is Anna's only response before she directs her attention to the table and her food.

Soon after the family begins to leave the room to fulfill their duties and obligations. When only Anna and Henry remain, he makes his way over to sit next to her.

Gently he leans close and asks, "Anna, would yo' like to go to da grave today?" Immediately she starts trembling and is forced to grip her hands tightly together to still them. Despite this she gives a small nod before asking in a whispered voice "Who can take meh?"

Henry pulls her close to him giving her a hug he responds, "Ah can take yo' whenever yo' are ready. Its not far from here on da property even."

Anna gives him a small smile and gets up extracting herself from his arm. "Ah'll meet ya back down here in twenty minutes?" She doesn't even wait for a response before dashing out of the room.

* * *

Henry leads Anna across the lawns to a quiet corner of the property. They arrive at a queit graveyard fenced in with a wrought iron fence. Within the area a group of four or five mausoleums stand each obviously built over a long period of time.

He wraps an arm around her shoulders before opening the gate and leading Anna over to one of the larger buildings. "We laid Remy here. With most of the rest of our family datin' back more then two hundred years. Yo' think yo' can get back to da house on yo'r own? Ah'm sure yo' would like to do dis in private. Oui?"

She gives a small nod before responding, "Merci 'enry. Ah'ld 'ppreciate that. Ah'm sure Ah can find mah way back ta da maison. It is da only one on da property that size."

Henry gives her a small grin before patting her on the back and heading to the house. He turns one last time to check on her before she is out of sight hidden behind the trees.

Back in the graveyard Anna sits for a moment looking at the engraved stone in front of her. Gingerly she traces the name and dates with her finger before settling to the ground.

"Ah wrote ya a letter. Ah didn't know what else ta do. There were so many things Ah've wanted to say to you. So many things Ah've wanted to hear about." She pulls out her letter and places it on the stone in front of her.

_What do I say. What can I say. I don't even know half the things I'm feeling at this point and I'm trying to put it in words. Momma always said if you couldn't say it you couldn't feel it but I know she's wrong. She has to have been. _

Without realizing it she begins to speak her thoughts.

"I missed you so much Remy. You were the first person I ever trusted. Hell you are probably the only reason I am even capable of trusting anyone. You took care of me when I thought I was all alone. I never thought anyone would care for me like that."

"And I love you Remy. I love you so much. You were the big brother I never had. I always knew that no matter how much I screwed up no matter who was disappointed in me you would still love me. I've always known that Remy even when you didn't really tell me anything along those lines. It was the one thing I could count on when all the rest of the world was falling apart. Every time in collapsed I could count on you if I needed you. I know I didn't call. But it meant so much to me to know that if I needed to I could. But now I can't. I can't call you. I can't email. I have NO WAY to get in touch with you."

During her words she has risen and begun pacing in front of the mausoleum. She pauses at the last of her words and whirls around to face the stone.

"How could you leave me Remy. How could you be so fucking irresponsible and let this happen. You knew better Remy. You KNEW not to ride your bike that night. I know it with my whole being. I needed you Remy so much. Things have gotten so complicated at home. I finally am letting people in. But it scares me. So much. I don't know how to let people in. Its hard for me. I barely trust anyone even as it is. But I trusted you. And now there is this giant hole in me. Why should I even bother letting anyone in again if it is going to hurt this much to loose them."

Tears are tracing there way down her cheek though what emotion is behind them is hard to determine.

"Why did you have to leave me Remy. Why did you have to fucking leave. I trusted you. I fucking trusted you with my soul Remy. I gave you a piece of me because I trusted you to take care of me. To know me in a way no one else does. To know things about me and to love me despite it all."

"Fuck it Remy. We were supposed to talk. You promised me we would talk. I know it isn't right to hold a dead person to their promises. But it doesn't matter. It HURTS Remy. My soul aches because you aren't here anymore. I loved you as my brother. You were the one I always trusted to love me and take care of me and now your are GONE."

Again she pauses and faces the stone and screams, "YOU LEFT ME. YOU ABANDONED ME. HOW COULD YOU. HOW FUCKING COULD YOU REMY. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME. I NEEDED YOU. I FUCKING NEEDED YOU REMY AND YOU LEFT."

As these words leave her she collapses to the ground kneeling with her face nearly touching the ground as she bangs her fists against the ground and lets out a primal scream.

She rises back up to her knees shaking once again and whispers, "I'm sorry Remy. I shouldn't be this angry. It's not your fault that you left me. I know you didn't go out looking to get yourself killed. You weren't thinking through all of the consequences and counteractions that would occur. I know you didn't do this to hurt me Remy. But you did. You hurt me so much. I can't stop thinking about how your gone now."

"You're gone Remy. And I'm still here. I'm still fucking here Remy and I know you would hate it if I joined you. I know you would and I don't want to leave. There are good parts of my life besides you. But you are still missing. I miss you Remy and I love you and I'm scared."

Once again she is pacing the grass in front of the mausoleums.

"Remy you ARE my big brother. You always will be. There are so many times you have been in my thoughts. So many situations I dreamed that you would come and rescue me like you did before. I fucking love you Remy. But it hurts. I need you and you aren't here. The person I would talk to about this if it were anyone else and you AREN'T here. You left me and I have to find a way to deal on my own. And I just can't. I don't know how to do this. You are the one I want to talk to about this. You are the one who should be comforting me and making it ok. YOU are the one I counted on to be here and now you aren't."

"I hate you for being gone Remy. I know I shouldn't and I hate myself for it. But I can't help it. I hate you for being gone. For leaving me here without you and backing out on so many promises. Leaving so many things undone."

"Why Remy? Why did it have to be like this. Why did I have to let them take you from me. Why didn't I make more of an effort. We could have been so much closer. You could have known how much you meant to me. But now you never will. Now I'll always wonder if you realized how much you mattered to me. How big a part of my life you were without even being there."

"But none of that matters anymore. Because I'm still here and you're not. Everyone says you are in a better place now. That you can't hurt and that its better off. But that doesn't fix it. I find myself hoping that you are still here watching over me. Taking care of me in some small way like I always trusted you to before. But this kind of challenges the way I always saw the world. I always thought that when you died that was the end. No more pain, no more pleasure just the end. But now I want desperately to believe that there is something more. That you can still see me. That you are still looking out for me. I need to believe that I'm not alone. But that means rethinking so much which is really daunting."

"It was easy to rethink things with you here Remy. When you told me that my dad was wrong about me it was hard to believe you. That I could really be something better then a worthless sex toy never even occurred to me until I met you. But you made it happen. You helped me do it. You took me through it all and I can see myself as something more now. You did that Remy you saved me."

She sinks to her knees again and takes hold of her letter. "You saved me Remy, and maybe some days I'll be angry with you for leaving me, and some days I'll miss you so much that I'll cry. I know there will be days that I'll feel guilty for not making more of an effort to stay in touch with you. This is never going to be the same. I'm never going to be the same Remy. You'll always be a missing piece from now on. But I have to keep going. I can't let this take me down. You wouldn't want that. You always wanted me to live my life. You wanted me to be my own person. You loved me for who I am, not for the girl I tried to be for other people."

"So on those days where I hurt so much I don't want to do it anymore I'll think of you and hope that you are still watching over me. Keeping an eye out as the guardian angel I've always needed. I love you Remy you will always have a piece of my heart and my soul. I'll always have a piece missing but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't trade having you for a short time to get rid of this pain."

Slowly she pulls a lighter out of her jean pocket and sets the letter alight. "I'll always miss you Remy. Good Bye."

As the flames slowly burn up the letter to the corner she is holding she lets it drop. The flames licking up and consuming the entire envelope before the ashes are blown away by the wind.

Once again she curls in on herself letting the tears fall down her cheeks and the sobs shake her body. Finally she lets herself breakdown having said all of the words that are left in her soul.

* * *

French:

Oui yes

Enfant child

Merci Thanks

Maison House

AN: Ok. I want to dedicate this to my cousin Rob. I'm sorry if I made anyone cry reading this but sometimes you need to put things like this on paper. I hope that even with the tears you enjoyed the ride. Please review if you have something constructive to say.


End file.
